Peer Relations Study Group
UW-Madison – Department of Educational Psychology

How to Help

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Home Warning Signs How to Help Intervention

Original art by Sienna Laws

Starting a dialogue

  • Where to meet
    • Let your friend choose a place that makes them feel safe and comfortable. This could be their home, a friend’s home, a park, etc.
    • If you meet in a public place, keep in mind their concerns that other people may be able to hear you.
  • When to meet
    • Meet your friend at a time that works best for them. Flexibility is key!
  • How should I bring up mental health concerns to a friend?
    • “I have noticed … Do you want to talk about it?”
    • “How are you?”
      • If they say that they are fine, ask “Are you sure you’re ok?”
  • How should I respond if a friend brings up a mental health concern to me?
    • Most importantly, tell your friend that they are not alone, that you are there for them, and that you care about them.
    • Ask your friend how you can help them. 
    • Do not make promises that you cannot fulfill.
    • Do not tell your friend what you think they need or make decisions for them. 
    • Example sentence starters:
      • “That sounds really difficult. How are you doing with handling that?”
      • “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I am here for you”
      • “Would you rather have me listen? Or would you like my perspective?”
      • “Let’s take a walk or go somewhere private”
      • “How long have you been feeling like this?”
      • “What kind of thoughts are you having?”
  • How should I talk to a friend that is thinking about suicide? 
    • Ask
      • Ask your friend “are you thinking about suicide?”
      • You can also ask “how can I help?”
      • Never promise to keep thoughts of suicide a secret
      • Listen for the reasoning of their feelings, as well as any why they may want to stay alive. Instead of focusing on your reasons for them to stay alive, help them focus on their own.
      • Asking someone if they are suicidal does not increase the risk of them doing it! 
    • Support them
      • Do not make any promises that you cannot keep, and follow through with things you say you will do
      • If you cannot by physically close to your friend, help them think of other people that also may be able to help them
      • This makes your friend feel connected, which reduces isolation and can help prevent against suicide
      • This also makes someone feel that they belong somewhere and may also decrease feelings of being a burden
    • Listen for a plan
      • If your friend mentions a plan for suicide, it can tell you about how urgent the situation is
        • For example, if they have a step by step plan, this increases the urgency of the situation
    • Help them find resources
      • Lifeline (800-273-8255)
      • More resources listed below
      • Search for support, such as a mental health professional
      • Help them create a safety plan on who they can call and what they can do in a moment of crisis
    • Check in
      • Call or send a text
      • Ask if you can help them any other way
      • This helps them feel connected and shows your support

Response 

  • What is active listening?
    • Active listening is taking the time to listen and devote your full attention to what your friend is saying. Usually, a friend will only respond when there is a pause in the conversation and when the friend wants you to respond. Being a good listener can make your friendship stronger and putting yourself in their shoes really makes a difference. Making a conscious effort to hear and respond in a meaningful way will make your friend trust you with their feelings. 
    • It sounds crazy, but sometimes asking someone “what do you want to do?” will really make them think and tell you how you can help them in the most beneficial way.
  • Why is having trust important with your friends?
    • Having your friend trust you is very important since most adolescents have a hard time speaking on serious issues, and if trusted, then there is a higher chance they will really tell you what’s going on. Trust will allow your friend to be comfortable with being vulnerable and courageous in what they want to say to you. 
    • Building trust is important too. After actively listening to your friend, you must understand that they trust you with the information told. They trust you to tell no other person and to keep their issues between the two of you. Being trustworthy gives your friend a sense of safety and respect when it comes to your friendship, however, this can be difficult if you think your friend is in a real crisis. 
  • When is your friend in a crisis and how should you deal with it?
    • If your friend seems like they are dealing with serious issues and you think they need help from an adult, going about it in the right way will allow your friend to still trust you. 
      • Make sure you are looking for warning signs. These include speaking about harming themselves or others, an increase in aggression, dramatic changes in behavior, talk of “worthlessness.” 
      • These signs may not be obvious and also your friend might deal with their own thoughts differently. 
    • If you see these warning signs, talk to your friend about connecting them with an adult. This does not need to be their parents or guardian, but can also include a teacher they are close with, a relative who is older, the principal, etc.
      • If your friend does not want to speak to an adult try explaining to them why you feel as though they should. Do not force it upon them since you want to keep that trust within your friendship. 
      • If your friend still does not wish to speak to an adult and you are fearing for their life, there are some instances where you must tell an adult without their consent. This can be a difficult situation, however, you must remember your own mental boundaries and that this situation is more than yourself. 
  • Knowing Your Limits
    • The biggest problem when it comes to people helping their friends, is that they don’t know when to stop and when they can’t help anymore. Setting the boundaries for yourself is important since you don’t want your friends problems to be affecting your own issues. When we give more than we can, we can start to struggle too, so knowing these limits can help. 
    • There are times when you tell your friend to call whenever and you’ll be there for them, but what about when you need to study for an exam and their issues are interfering with school or activities? If your friends’ problems are too complex for your own self, then it is time to seek help from someone else. 
    • When helping a friend with their needs, there are times when you may neglect your own needs. There are times when you may feel guilty for focusing on your own needs all while thinking that your friend is in a worse spot than you. Sometimes a friend will make you feel guilty for not having all the time in the world for them. Setting these boundaries and sticking to them, for example: saying you only have 10 minutes to talk, will allow you to keep doing things that are important to you and making sure you are taking care of yourself.
  • Who Can Help?
    • Finding an adult that your friend trusts will be the most beneficial person to seek help from. Having the help from an adult can help your friends’ situation since they will have more information on who and how to help.
    • Contacting the parents or guardians as well is a good idea since they should know what their child is going through. 
    • Counseling may also benefit your friend so that they can talk to an unbiased professional that will make them understand why they are feeling this way. You can find more information on who can help on the Intervention page.
    • Finally there are many crisis lines that can help benefit your friend:
Sources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (2021, April 13). How the 5 Steps Can Help Someone 
Who is Suicidal. Retrieved April 22, 2021, from https://www.bethe1to.com/bethe1to-steps-evidence/
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